The Fencing Tournament
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the 170th Fencing Tournament! We are live in the city of lights, Paris, France. This is Pierre Baudelaire and I am joined by Michael Harrington. Mike! Wake up! Introduce yourself!”
“Huh! Wah? Oh… Good morning everyone! On this spectacular occasion, two wizards of the blade will compete in an epic battle for supremacy. One of them is Roberto Daunēe Jr., a billionaire playboy who bested a hundred armed thugs with a single piece of wood from his bed! The other is Christiano Evanze, a soldier who defended his family from a hundred gothic bikers with his father’s walking stick! And now their skills will be tested to it’s limit – if there is one – in a duel to the death against an equally skilled adversary like themselves! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!”.
“And here comes the players! All suited up in their white armour with their rapiers sheathed. Look at them! Standing on the arena, confident in their stance, looking at each other with eyes of Satan’s steel, calculating, contemplating, anticipating!”
“I DON’T CARE! KILL, KILL, KKIIILLLL!!!”
“And the games begin! My God, look at them move! Look at them fly! AND BEHOLD! Roberto Daunēe Jr. Wins! Cristiano Evanze lays there on the ground, his blood spilled! Did you see what occured, Michael?”
“I most certainly did NOT, Pierre! The fight was so quick and intense that I didn’t have time to take a single sip of this coffee!”
“Indeed, Michael. Their speed and strength were to much for the human eyes to follow. Fortunately, thanks to technology, we can watch the whole scenario again, in SLOW MOTION!”
“Yes! Let us drink in the sweet nectar of instant replay.”
“And here we go! Both contestants unsheath their weapons, and their blades collide, clanging and sparking in every impact! Christiano pelts Roberto with the Bonezzi attack, while Roberto defends with the Agrippa, and then counterattacks with the Sussin strike, and then Christiano parries that with Martellin! I’ve never seen such mesmerizing maneuvers so well perfected!”.
“What the Hell are you rambling about!? Can’t you just say simple words when violent action happens? Like this for example: Christiano, after stopping Roberto from giving him an awee, thrusts the long pointy stick of metal in his hands towards Roberto’s tummy! But Roberto back-flips twice to avoid having a boo-boo from mean old Christiano! And then he flies like squierrel towards Christiano, and Christiano hops like a bunny at Roberto! They slap each other like girls, andthen fight with swords like men!”.
“Why do you speak to the audience like children?”.
“Because my kids are watching this! I want them to better undrstand OH MY GOD WHAT THE JESUS CHRIST ARE THEY DOING!?!?!?”
“The competitiors are taking of their armour, and beneath the white shells they wear 16th-century clothes of traditional and old-school fencing! People of Earth, behold! Gaze upon Roberto Daunee Jr. As he takes of his mask and luxuriously shakes his head left and right, swing his majestic black mane! And witness the spectacle of Christiano Evanze, combing his close-cropped, military blond hair, Spartan-style! Such magnifiscants! Such beauty! What a splendour! And it’s all happening in SLOW MOTION!”.
“They are gods amongst show-offs!”.
“They attack each other again! Their swords cut through the air with rhythmetic wooshing sounds. They ding and clang, they swing and swag! The rivals feet and bodies bounce and skip from position to position, their hands commanding their blades to defend and offend! Christiano thrusts, and Roberto side-steps, Roberto swings, and Christiano ducks. The soldier unleashes a hypnotic wave of the Brutella attack, forcing the billionaire to parry with Hannibaile and counterattack with Fantastrick! The odds are not in Daunee’s favor, Michael!”
“But wait, it’s not over! Roberto pushes Christiano with a style of fencing that is to difficult to pronounce!”.
“Heiseideidbretoicatilyimptutp!”.
“Whatever! Christiano’s backing away slowly while Roberto flashes his mighty stick of metal with a manouver to difficult to break and to difficult to say! The soldiersteps off the arena and runs away from the billionaire! He heads into the streets, pushes through traffic, steals a car, and drives away! But Roberto buys a tank with his limitless supply of money and chases Christiano with it, shooting at him all the way! The car and the tank are next to each other on the open road, and the two competitors fight each other with their rapiers while driving their vehicles like two daredevils riding on two immovable objects while travelling at the speed of light! And then the automobiles run out of gas, the fencers get out, and continue their dauntless conflict in a bar!”.
“What is going on, Michael? Why haven’t we seen this chaos with our own eyes?”.
“Reality is bending with their awesomeness, Pierre. The brilliant display of fencing prowess has turned my microphone into a coffee mug!”,
“Mike, you never had a microphone during the Tournament. You’ve been holding that coffee mug since we started this show! And Christiano Evanze whirls a storm of swords at Roberto Daunee Jr. With his formidable Brutella attack!”
“Huh? We’re still on?”
“the fencers’ fight continues as Roberto jumps untop of a billiard table and defends himself with Agrippa. The billionaire jumps down and attacks and slashes at Christiano with Heiseideidbretoicatilyimptutp, and the soldier is forced to defend himself with a bit of Hannibaille mixed with a pinch of Martellini! The fighters are next to the bar jukebox and Daunee picks with his left hand his favorite song, plays it, and all the while attacking Evanze with his right hand. Christiano takes a woman near him as a hostage, but she kicks his foot, elbows him in the face, and falls unto Roberto’s arms. While Christiano attacks Roberto with Bonezzi and Sussin, Roberto defends himself with Fantastrick while kissing passionately at the fair maiden in his arms! She runs away, leaving the unstoppable competitors to offend and defend with different manouvers that only a war god could master!”.
“Conflicts! Romance! Chaos! Passion! But no one seems to be tiring, and not a single drop of blood has been spilled! But what’s this!? The landscape has changed from a bar to an open airport, and the players’ clothing has changed as well! Look at this, Pierre!”
“I’m seeing it alright, Micheal. The competitors are no longer wearing the 16-century costume of old world fencing, but something entirely different. Christiano Evanze now wears a red, blue, and white costume with stars on it and is holding a circular shield with the same design as his uniform. Roberto Daunee Jr. Is wearing a technologically advanced, red and yellow suit of armour. Both contestants still have their rapiers in their hands, and they are dualing each other with swords AND unexpected superpowers!”
“And they’re not the only ones locked in an epic combat. All around the contestants, a bunch of weirdos are fighting each other and tearing the whole airport apart with their own special abilities! A man with metal wings is shooting another man who’s wearing a cat suit painted black! An archer is shooting explosive arrows at an acrobatic red-head! A girl is grabbing trucks, planes, and luggages with her mind and hurling it a red dude with a yellow glowing stone in his forehead! A man with a metal arm is battling a black version of Roberto Daunee Jr. but with loads of military-grade weapons on it! And a loud-mouthed teenager in a spider costume is fighting a man or an ant who happens to be shrinking and growing in size! This is all so familiar yet totally unexpected and superb!”
“Spectacular!”
“Stupendous! But no one cares! L et us focus on Roberto Daunee jr. and Christiano Evanze’s ultimate struggle for dominance!”
“Daunee fires from his metal hands a barrage of raw energy at Christiano. Christiano deflacts the onslaught with his shield and charges at his opponent. Roberto attacks with Brutella and Rateaux, adn summons a storm of tiny missiles from his shoulders at Evanze. The soldier parries the word offense with Agrippa and Hannibaile, and absorbs the missile strikes with his shield! Oh, what a scene we are witnessing, folks! They dance like butterfly-winged spiders, but dual like superpowered and hyperactive, buffalo-sized bees! Roberto melee attacks with Thibault, a move that should easily destroy Christiano, especially when Roberto is shooting lasers at him, but the soldier evades and blocks the invasion like a ballereena dodging a flock of mechanical homing pigeons! Evanze throws his shield like a frisbee and it hits Daunee, disorienting him! Christiano goes for the kill, but the billionaire hurles himself at his rival, and now they’re back in the arena, their clothes turn back into the white armour of modern day fencing, and they rage on! Such a war they inact, Michael!”
“Indeed, Pierre. And I think it’s the final round for these two. The opponents are giving it their all”
“A glorious spectacle we bear witness to!”
“And now Christiano Evanze bombardes Roberto Daunee Jr. with all of the fencing techniques, tricks, and manouvers that no other fencer has ever perfected and mastered. But I see something in Daunee that might make him win.”
“What’s that ?”
“Daunee is a muscle stronger, a second faster, an IQ smarter, and a gracefulness better than Evanze!”
“Your right! And look! Daunee scratches Evanze in his sword arm!”
“The man!”
“He cuts off his nemisis’ hands and feet!”
“The myth!”
“And he stabs him in the face!”
“THE LEGEND!!!”
“Roberto Daunee Jr. is victorious! The crowd goes wild!”
“The crowd has been chanting and applausing since we started the SLOW MOTION REPLAY!”
“Good-bye and good night everyone!”
“See you tomorrow for the annual wrestling match! This years contestants will be Bruno Dwayne and Clarence Tent! Don’t miss out on the fun, Kids!”