Riddle Me This, Jack!

“A riddle, a riddle! A riddle, I say, you, dear boy, come out and play.”

“Man, who in the Hell are yo? Jesus, you smell like my dead granma.”

“Tis I , the Devil, I’m out to get the soul of thou sinning rat.”

“Rat? Who yo callin’ rat? I ain’t got no tail like yours.”

“Silence! Your speech is of no matter, when I smite thee with thyn hammer!”

“Ok, bra. Is there a way to ‘hocus-pocus’ out of yo bogus?”

“What speak you, mortal man?”

“I asked if there’s a way to not get killed.”

“Why yes, indeed! Tis one simple way to act in my marvelous play.”

“A play!? Dang, man. What the Hell’s wrong with yo? My actin’ skills are trash, just like yo God damn rhymes!”

“Tis not an act for all to see but riddles to answer, you and me.”

“Seriously? It’s that simple?”

“Simple, simple?! Why, you fool! Riddles are no simple tools.

They trick, and twist, and turn, and whence win I, thou shalt burn!”

“Yeah, yeah, Shakespeare, whatever. Let’s get on with it.”

“Begin, begin! What to start? Something simple, yet very smart.

I know, I know! What a wonderful rhyme

Twists like pretzels, straight as lines

Now, bold fool, who went to Wales

Seeing it’s green rolling vales?

Who went to town of God’s homes and fountains,

Going up a hill, and coming down a mountain?”

“The English dude in ‘The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Came Down a Mountain’. I’ve watched that movie like a gazillion times. By the way, yo stanzas are trash.”

“Accursed boy! Thou smart indeed,

Just like the other one, Mr. Deeds!”

“Wo, wait man. You met with Adam Sandler?”

“An unimportant question, wretched whelp.

For my next riddle, thou shalt beg for help:

It crawls on fours, and then walks on twos,

It walks on threes, and dies to soon,

What is this creature, cloon?”

“Hmm, let’ see. Oh yeah, A HUMAN!!! Dude, that is the oldest riddle in the world! Even my cousin’s baby can answer that!”

“What is sharper than a thorn,

Taking life after it twas born,

Quiter than the silence-“

“It’s Death, man. You don’t need to rhyme so much.”

“If thou should speaketh it’s name, tis broken!”

“Silence.”

“You eat the inside and throw the outside,

You eat the outside and throw the inside,

What am I?”

“Corn. Or maybe corny.”

“I’m in the middle of a desert, it starts raining, everything is wet except for my hair. WHY?”

“You have no hair and congratulations, Gollum. You ain’t rhyming.”

“AARRRRRGGHH!!! YOUR TURN! IF I WIN, YOU DIE! IF YOU WIN, YOU LIVE! ONE QUESTION ONLY!”

“What? Man, that ain’t fair! You gave me like-“

“BEGIN.”

“Alright, fine! Riddle me this, Jack! Why did God punish you?”

“What, tis only that? Why, he feared me so! He hurled me to Hell so my reckoning would no befall upon Him!”

“No, my son. That is not he reason why I sent you to that place.”

“Father? God?”

“I had hoped that your lifetime in the infernos would teach you what I could not. I had assumed that the horrors and sufferings humanity has inflicted would destroy the evil within you. I had hoped that by punishing wicked men that you shall also aid the world. I was mistaken. The flames of anger still burn within you. Your vengeance towards me and all the things I created is still strong. You not only harm the sinners, but also the saints. I cannot allow the sinistry you’ve gifted to infect what is mine, and mine alone. I am sorry, my son. A father sometimes must tear his children apart to heal their wounds.”

“Father, NO!”

“Forgive me.”

And God took his son into the unknown.